i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
