we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
