the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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