The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
