when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
