When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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