Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Randomize
