Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
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