The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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