The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
