I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Randomize
