did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Randomize
