Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
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