I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
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