Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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