And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
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Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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