I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
