you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
