Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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