hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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