I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
