if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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