So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
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