You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
We are two peas in an std pod
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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