Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize