I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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