i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
