he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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