If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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