life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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