i don't like sucking hair
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
You took a bar mat shot.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
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