Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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