Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Randomize