i don't like sucking hair
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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