If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
