If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
