i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
