no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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