So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
