I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
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