i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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