Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
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