how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Randomize
