After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
