So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
