I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
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There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
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The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
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