We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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