my phone needs a breathalizer
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
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