I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Just high enough for therapy.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
