My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
