I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
