Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
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