My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
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Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
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Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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