I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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