I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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