Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
