Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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