I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
