Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
