The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Should I hook up with a slut its your call
Yes. Wrap it. If you dont have a condom do it anyway. YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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