i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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