a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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