Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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