12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
