after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
